Breaking the Habit

It’s World Semicolon Day! I have been so behind on my blog due to being sick and I have been trying so hard to think about what all I want to write about today. Most people use this day to tell their story and while I am in the process of doing that with my entire blog I feel like it’s easier to maybe do a timeline of important events in my life that are linked to depression and self harm.

At a very young age I realized kids are cruel. I have always struggled with my weight so a lot of the name calling and teasing started early.

Middle school I think is a struggle for everyone. I was diagnosed clinically depressed when I wasin 7th grade. I started seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist at this time. 8th was the first time I ever felt like I wasn’t good enough to live. I started having feelings that the world would be better off without me. I contemplated suicide more than once. I vividly remember missing a day of school after having a very intense day of hopelessness. My mom got a call from the school to check on me because a couple of girls had gone to the office voicing concern with my absence. That day still sticks in my mind because someone actually cared.

Freshman year I moved to a private school where bullying continued, but the school acted on the major instances I had. That year I got a little break. I was able to really focus on choir and made some great friends.

Sophomore year we moved back to Cullman. I lived with my grandmother for 6 months while we transitioned into our new house. During those 6 months was the first time I ever self harmed. (I promise we will get to more of this in future blogs)

Junior year was probably the toughest. I was cutting on a daily basis, wasn’t taking my medication properly, and I started dabbling more online searching for people who understood me. I “met” 3 people online that seemed to get me. Very long story short to this day I believe had they had just a little more time I would have been kidnapped and possibly sold into some kind of slavery. (Definitely a story for another day!)

Senior year things slowed down a little. I came out of my “goth phase” and tried to focus on finishing school. I wasn’t self harming every day but still had the urge quite a bit. I had gastric bypass in January before I graduated. The weight loss helped with my self-confidence. I got a scholarship for vocal music, and even though I barely graduated I did!

18-20: I was in the best physical health of my life, but on the mental front I was on a completely different plane. I met my husband 2 months after I turned 20. I started to have more respect for myself and finally found out what it was like to be in a relationship that was worth my time.

We got married 5 months after I turned 22. We would have an uphill battle of understanding and realization that Mattie really did need to be on her medication.

28: Complete mental breakdown, struggling with postpartum depression, not on the right medication. I start seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I have not missed my medication for more than 2 days in over a year. I will be 30 June 7. It has taken me this long to get myself on track and it hasn’t been from lack of trying on many people’s part! I have been self harm free for 10 years. I still struggle with the urges from time to time and I am sure I will for the rest of my life.

There is a very narrowed down timeline of my life. WOW! Writing even that much down is crazy! I hope each and every one of you will celebrate this day and celebrate with the people who can talk about their struggles. Remember those who can’t and those that have lost their battle.


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